Overshare

Hi kids, 

Welcome to the new blog. I'm going to jump right in to overshare because that's usually how I roll. I've been riding the struggle bus as of late and decided I don't want to ride alone so I'm inviting you all along for the ride. On July 27, 2018, I had my last drink. I took my first intentional drink at age 11. I started drinking regularly when I was 14. Over the years there were times when I drank constantly and there were times when I was a binge drinker. Since becoming a mama five years ago, I cut my drinking significantly but I was still using alcohol as a coping mechanism. Over the years, I started adding other substances, Xanax, weed, narcotics, anything that fell into my hot little hands. Here's the deal, when you grow up in an abusive household with shit parents, you never learn those coping mechanisms that other people learn. You learn to hide any vulnerability because it's a weakness and any weakness puts you at risk. So, you act tough, you act like nothing bothers you, and when it does, you try to drown it with copious amounts of bourbon. At the ripe old age of 44, I have been without any substances in my system for 9 days and I have been without alcohol for 236 days, other than when I was pregnant, this is the longest I have ever gone. I've started attending AA meetings, I have a sponsor, I'm essentially an after-school special at this point. The good news: I feel great. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing everything without something to dull the emotions and the feelings. That part is kind of overwhelming. How have you guys just been walking around feeling all these feelings without watering them down? I'm not going to lie, it sucked hard at first. Now, I'm finding joy in weird things. I found myself smiling this morning when I saw the sun shining through my bedroom window. My patience actually exists. I'm not picking fights with my wife (she may disagree). I'm not annoyed with my kid for just acting like a kid. I still want to poke Trump in the eye and any discussion of politics makes my blood pressure go up but, I have lost 15 pounds and my skin looks great. Sobriety isn't for everyone, I totally get that. It seems like the right answer for me. I have a life that is amazing. I am married to the love of my life, I am the Mama of the most perfect boy on the planet, and I am surrounded by friends who love me for me and are my family of choice. My relationship with God has changed. My entire life has changed. I'm working hard for this as it doesn't come easy. It's much easier to drown the feelings out and ignore them but then you miss all the good stuff too. Leonard Cohen once sang, "there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." Those cracks that I thought were imperfection were actually the way all the light in my life got in. I thought the cracks were something that was wrong with me when I discovered that those of us who are the most cracked might also be the happiest. This isn't an easy journey, I would still sell my little finger for a glass of bourbon but the brief happiness that bourbon provides is nothing compared to the happiness and joy that I have found without it. Listen, I'm still an asshole, nothing is going to change that but I am an asshole who is surrounded by love and light. I find myself singing along with Lucinda Williams, "I don't want you anymore because you took my joy." That joy, if you haven't found it, is totally worth the search.