The incredibly true adventures of me

 I am not a poet. I'm not a poetry fan. I like about three poets and that's it. I wrote this after a particularly hard week followed by an amazing AA meeting and an even more amazing session with my therapist. Today, I asked my heart.  I've never done that before.  I've relied on my wits and a game of chance. I didn't think I would ever win. The odds were never in my favor. Was it a cosmic joke?  I think God forgot the punchline so they used me instead. Today, I finally asked my heart. Are you finally safe? Are you able to trust? Will this love keep you forever in its arms? No one is pulling the chair out as I try to sit. My full house finally won the game. Will that win hold me until the end? I can't imagine wanting more because I only ever wished for the least. The win was more than I expected and more than I ever imagined. But, the dealers sit and wait for their next mark. My soul is untouchable, blessed by the greatest grace and the universe. When they tell

I have been an autism mama for almost four years now and I have learned a lot but certainly not everything. I went into Leo’s kindergarten year thinking that I knew what to expect and how things would go but I was mostly unpleasantly surprised. The move to kindergarten has been rough. Leo and I have both struggled. There is more structure and less play. There is a longer day and more time sitting and listening. I’m not a five year old with autism and I have trouble sitting still and listening. There are days that Leo comes home from school and he’s just exhausted emotionally and physically. Imagine being in a room that is too loud, too bright, too much everything and you can’t effectively tell people how you feel or what you need. Most of the time when a kid acts out it’s not because they are bad it’s just a form of communication. We have seen more behaviors from Leo this year than we have before and it’s frustrating. I remind myself that, as hard as it is for me, it’s even harder for

Tomorrow, I will be 45 years old. This age is sticking in my craw. Forty-five is the age I think when someone asks me how old my parents are. They are 45. Forty-five is the age of an adult. I am lucky most days if I feel 17. I honestly did not think I would live past the age of 25. I remember in 2000, when I turned 25, thinking, “This is my last year. I better enjoy it.” I see other people who are 45 and they seem grown up and mature and I don’t see that in myself. So, whether I like it or not, I’m going to be 45. Here are some of the things I’ve learned in 45 years: 1. People will love you. People will hate you. None of it has anything to do with you. 2. There is no rule that you have to have a relationship with someone who is related to you by blood. 3. Family is what you make it. Very little of my family is related by blood but they love me for everything that I am. 4. Get yourself a best friend who tells you the truth, even when you don’t want to hear it. Especially when you d