Count Your Blessings

Yesterday was a scary day for me yet I felt oddly calm. I told my therapist that I was worried that I wasn't worried enough. She reminded me that I have an incredibly strong support system and a strong faith. I laughed and said, "I'm not sure how your relationship with God works but mine is something like this, "Seriously, Lady?! I get my shit together and now I might have cancer?!" The good news is, I don't have cancer. The better news is, my sisters of support (there are some brothers there too), my beloved, and my boy are all there. I spent not one moment yesterday (or the day before or today) feeling alone because I know that I am loved. I haven't always felt this way and I haven't always had friends who had my best interests in mind. Let's also be honest, I didn't always give a shit either. There have been people in my life that were there for what I needed. I'm an addict, I'm manipulative, and I can be a real asshole. For the first time in my life, I feel....calm. I'm not sure if that's the right word. Content? Settled? Comfortable? I don't know how to describe it because I've never felt it before. I meet my therapist every week and she is like a human form of Valium. I gather in rooms a few times a week with addicts who have lived hard and ugly lives but somehow we all find grace and peace in those rooms. On our way to school today, Leo and I prayed that we can see Jesus in the faces of all the people we meet today. That we can meet people with grace even when they drive like assholes. I always thought I was working toward some grand goal. Some day when my therapist handed me a certificate and said, "you're fixed." That's not how this works, I have to keep doing this every day. At one time, that seemed like a life sentence but now, it seems like a beautiful path. I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago or even yesterday. I'm learning to love myself and to stop listening to those voices in my head put there by unhappy people who told me that no one wanted me and that I was nothing. I am something. I am a wife, a Mama, a friend, a sister, a granddaughter, an Auntie, and I am happy. Deliriously and disgustingly happy. This is how life is supposed to be lived. Every day isn't glorious and I'm still going to be an asshole but I am an asshole surrounded by love and peace of mind.

I love you jerks.

Comments

  1. MRApril 11, 2019 at 1:35 PM

    You absolutely are something. I’m so glad you’re coming to a place in your life where you can accept and embrace that. Hey, I love you and I don’t even like most people.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. T.April 11, 2019 at 2:02 PM

      I love you too. You’re one of my favorite people on the planet.

      Delete
  2. MRApril 11, 2019 at 2:58 PM

    Ditto, sister!

    ReplyDelete

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