Control (please sing that like Ms Jackson)

When I was first getting sober, my sponsor and sister said to me, "God either is or He isn't. You need to decide that God is and Teri isn't and get the hell out of your own way."In case some of you weren't aware, I'm a control freak. My anxiety tells me that if I can control everything and everyone then nothing bad will happen. Here's the super secret: that's all bullshit. All of my life, I have been in my own way. I am my own worst enemy and I am the thing that causes me the most grief. I am a work in progress. So, imagine giving up alcohol and drugs which helped keep those feelings and anxiety down in my gut and then giving up control without drugs and alcohol to cushion the fall. I pray. I pray a lot. Prayer without action is just lip service so while I know that God is and Teri isn't, Teri still has to go out and do the work. You want to lose weight...eat less and exercise more. You want to stop drinking...ask for help. You want the world to change....say your prayers and then go out and change it. The recent shootings have made me feel more out of control and when I feel out of control, I act like an asshole and make stupid decisions. Not this time. I pray. I pray every single day for God to protect us all, to soften the hearts and open the minds of those who work in hate and thrive in chaos. I put my money and my time toward politicians who think and live like me. I teach my son about kindness and empathy. I try to react with kindness and empathy to everyone I come in contact with, even that stupid jackass who doesn't understand that green means go at the stoplight. And, at the end of the day, I pray again. Prayer without action is just bullshit lip service. God doesn't cause bad things to happen. We do that all on our own. So, for today, I got up and decided that God is and Teri isn't and that's what I'll do today. Tomorrow, I hope I make the same decision and I hope you do too.

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