A title I didn't expect
When my wife and I decided we wanted to have a child, we never had any intention of becoming a special needs parent. I'm not sure anyone does. I see the same memes you do, "God made you a special needs Mom because he knew you were special." Bullshit. Parenting any kid is not for the weak, not if you're doing it correctly. Parenting a special needs kid is just different. My friend Sara often jokes that I love my kid more than she loves her kids. And, while I laugh and agree that I am definitely a superior Mother, the truth is I just have to parent differently. Lately, that has been more difficult because transitions are hard. A new school, new teachers, new friends, new rules, new expectations. They are all hard. It's hard for me and I'm not doing the really hard work that my kid is. I love my kid, I think he's the most amazing human on the planet. This morning while dropping him off, there was a Mom who was being really short with her kids and staring at her phone. I'm not here for Mom shaming, I don't know what her morning or life is like. I will be honest about all the thoughts that went through my head as I struggled with my kid:
1. Why is this so hard when I wanted my kid so badly and she seems to not give a shit?
2. Why can come people have tons of kids they don't seem to want when others can't?
3. Why am I the special needs Mom and not her?
4. Why is this so hard for me and my kid when that kid over there is acting like an asshole?
5. Is public school for my kid? Am I lying to myself about how bright he is?
6. Is someone not telling me the truth?
7. Does my kid hate this and am I doing this for myself?
None of it is fair. As Grandma Alice would say, "who told you life was fair, sweetheart?" I honestly don't care about it being fair for me but I want it to be fair for my boy. Sometimes I want to shake my friends and remind them that all the things they complain about are things I pray for. I pray every night to hear my kid yell "Mama" all day long. I sometimes feel like my friends and family think we are being extra because we pick up or have our groceries delivered and keep our schedule the same all the time. They might think its crazy that the movement of a Sunday school class from one room to another is such a big deal. They don't understand why I don't just put food in front of my kid and insist that he eat it. They don't understand why I don't care that my laundry has been in clothes baskets for months and I don't see any end to it because by the time the night ends we are all exhausted and laundry is the least important thing in my life.
There is nothing I would change about my kid but I do wish I could make things easier and better for him. The way school works and systems are in place are not for kids like mine. Standardized tests are not made for my kid. What that means is a lot of kids like mine get written off because no one knows how to test them and teach them. My family has so much privilege and we have so many resources to make sure our kid gets what he needs but there are a lot of families that don't have the same privileges and resources. As the parent of "normies" I beg you to remember these other kids in your kids class and those parents. Ask your kids how the kids are treated, kids don't lie. Parenting is exhausting for all of us but we don't have to make it harder on each other by competing. My kid isn't going to be good at the same thing your kid is. I am going to have to walk my kid into school every day for the foreseeable future, I'm not being a helicopter parent, I'm keeping my kid safe. I won't judge you for staring at your phone while your kid yells your name if you don't judge me for being the mom who holds her kids hand all the way into school and walking him to the door.
Maybe none of this makes sense and maybe I'm just tired and all wrapped up in my anxiety. Maybe this school year has been hard and maybe I'm frustrated with the system. There are so many good people within the system and we have met so many of them and they are working so hard to change things but its a slow process. Every time I meet someone who works with my kid and sees his potential, I want to cry because they see HIM. They don't see the kid who doesn't talk, who carries a device, who doesn't pay attention to your kid, who doesn't play with your kid, maybe flaps his hands and makes strange noises. They see the funny, sweet, kind boy who is so smart, who loves words and numbers, who likes to spell big words that he shouldn't even know, who makes him Mom and his Mama more proud than any other thing in this world. Thank you to those who take the time to see him and see me trying my best. I see you trying too. Hang in there, Mama...we've got this.
1. Why is this so hard when I wanted my kid so badly and she seems to not give a shit?
2. Why can come people have tons of kids they don't seem to want when others can't?
3. Why am I the special needs Mom and not her?
4. Why is this so hard for me and my kid when that kid over there is acting like an asshole?
5. Is public school for my kid? Am I lying to myself about how bright he is?
6. Is someone not telling me the truth?
7. Does my kid hate this and am I doing this for myself?
None of it is fair. As Grandma Alice would say, "who told you life was fair, sweetheart?" I honestly don't care about it being fair for me but I want it to be fair for my boy. Sometimes I want to shake my friends and remind them that all the things they complain about are things I pray for. I pray every night to hear my kid yell "Mama" all day long. I sometimes feel like my friends and family think we are being extra because we pick up or have our groceries delivered and keep our schedule the same all the time. They might think its crazy that the movement of a Sunday school class from one room to another is such a big deal. They don't understand why I don't just put food in front of my kid and insist that he eat it. They don't understand why I don't care that my laundry has been in clothes baskets for months and I don't see any end to it because by the time the night ends we are all exhausted and laundry is the least important thing in my life.
There is nothing I would change about my kid but I do wish I could make things easier and better for him. The way school works and systems are in place are not for kids like mine. Standardized tests are not made for my kid. What that means is a lot of kids like mine get written off because no one knows how to test them and teach them. My family has so much privilege and we have so many resources to make sure our kid gets what he needs but there are a lot of families that don't have the same privileges and resources. As the parent of "normies" I beg you to remember these other kids in your kids class and those parents. Ask your kids how the kids are treated, kids don't lie. Parenting is exhausting for all of us but we don't have to make it harder on each other by competing. My kid isn't going to be good at the same thing your kid is. I am going to have to walk my kid into school every day for the foreseeable future, I'm not being a helicopter parent, I'm keeping my kid safe. I won't judge you for staring at your phone while your kid yells your name if you don't judge me for being the mom who holds her kids hand all the way into school and walking him to the door.
Maybe none of this makes sense and maybe I'm just tired and all wrapped up in my anxiety. Maybe this school year has been hard and maybe I'm frustrated with the system. There are so many good people within the system and we have met so many of them and they are working so hard to change things but its a slow process. Every time I meet someone who works with my kid and sees his potential, I want to cry because they see HIM. They don't see the kid who doesn't talk, who carries a device, who doesn't pay attention to your kid, who doesn't play with your kid, maybe flaps his hands and makes strange noises. They see the funny, sweet, kind boy who is so smart, who loves words and numbers, who likes to spell big words that he shouldn't even know, who makes him Mom and his Mama more proud than any other thing in this world. Thank you to those who take the time to see him and see me trying my best. I see you trying too. Hang in there, Mama...we've got this.
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