The New Normal

I used to love the night before Thanksgiving, especially in my early twenties when I would head to the hometown bar and get completely shitfaced before I had to deal with my "family." I was sitting in an AA meeting tonight thinking about those years. How many Thanksgiving mornings I woke up with a massive hangover. The last few years I wasn't in a bar but I probably wasn't sober. The new normal is weird, its good but definitely weird. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday because I love to cook and I love to make food for people I love. I hate Christmas...I'm indifferent to Easter but Thanksgiving in my jam. This year it is causing me major anxiety and I don't know why. I'm sober. I'm healthy. I'm loved. My wife and son are healthy, happy, and loved. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's this fear of the new normal. Of this new normal slipping away. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to do. I have a sponsor, I'm doing what I'm told (which you know is not easy for me), I'm working the steps, and I'm going to 4-5 meetings a week. The weird thing about the new normal is that as uncomfortable as it can be, it still fits better than anything else I have ever found. I'm numbed all those feelings for years and now have to feel everything stone cold sober. It's uncomfortable but its honest. Its feels true. I'll wake up tomorrow morning, probably way too early because my child is a morning person, and I'll know my purpose. I'll know why I'm here and that I am worth all the good things that are in my life. I'll just keep doing the next right thing and that has given me more to be thankful for than ever before.

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